God: My Evening Star
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| Matabungcay, Batangas (2014) |
I, too, received a heartbreaking news from one of my dearest friends just a few days ago. SV's news about having to leave for an overseas assignment for six years on very short notice felt like a major earthquake that left my world shattered in a few seconds. The news left an empty hole in my heart so that I continue to feel a mixture of numbness and deep indescribable pain days after.
Pain and the cross. We have grown to put the two together despite the Theological teaching that the cross is also a reminder of the resurrection. There is no resurrection without the cross. Most of the time we wrestle with the cross and only on hindsight recognise how the dots of the cross and resurrection actually connect.
A few days ago, in what I would call the morning after, that is, the morning after SV told me of this very disturbing news, I found the 5:00 AM sky calling me. I saw an unusual constellation with the shape of the cross. I couldn't help staring at it for minutes, wondering if it was just an airplane that was moving slowly. But it wasn't. It stayed right there. With very little sleep from the previous night, I got tired and decided to lay in bed with my pillow positioned in such a way that would let me see the constellation while in bed. I knew this was the Spirit calling.
It was as if God was reminding me of His faithful love and presence at all times and most especially during our darkest nights. "I will always be here. You will never be left on your own" seemed to be the message. I lingered a bit more and allowed myself to simply soak in this deep experience of God's faithful love.
After several minutes, I squinted and moved my head such that I was looking at the constellation from a different angle. What I saw made me smile. It wasn't a constellation after all. What I was seeing was actually the morning star. Somehow, God seemed to be telling me that being attuned to God's love requires a capacity to be quiet, to pay attention, and to be open to see things from perspectives beyond my own. God seemed to be whispering, "I will be there in the way you need me to be, not necessarily as you want me to be or think I should be. Be open to surprises. I am your morning star."
And so, as I face yet another transition, I hold on to these whispers from God. There is a bigger picture. There is a resurrection. Only faith and hope in this help me to transcend my tendency to wallow in pain and be pulled down by depression. While I had no idea why I did, a few minutes before I saw the star, I wrote a quote from Soren Kiekagaard on my journal: "Faith sees best in the dark." I didn't realise everything would come together in the end.
"I am your morning star." How apt a message because the morning star is also the evening star. "She shines first, she shines brightest, and she shines longest," as the famous quote from the movie goes. And isn't God just that?
(Lovingly dedicated to SV because of whom, or perhaps despite whom, I continue to believe in all I believe in.)
It was as if God was reminding me of His faithful love and presence at all times and most especially during our darkest nights. "I will always be here. You will never be left on your own" seemed to be the message. I lingered a bit more and allowed myself to simply soak in this deep experience of God's faithful love.
After several minutes, I squinted and moved my head such that I was looking at the constellation from a different angle. What I saw made me smile. It wasn't a constellation after all. What I was seeing was actually the morning star. Somehow, God seemed to be telling me that being attuned to God's love requires a capacity to be quiet, to pay attention, and to be open to see things from perspectives beyond my own. God seemed to be whispering, "I will be there in the way you need me to be, not necessarily as you want me to be or think I should be. Be open to surprises. I am your morning star."
And so, as I face yet another transition, I hold on to these whispers from God. There is a bigger picture. There is a resurrection. Only faith and hope in this help me to transcend my tendency to wallow in pain and be pulled down by depression. While I had no idea why I did, a few minutes before I saw the star, I wrote a quote from Soren Kiekagaard on my journal: "Faith sees best in the dark." I didn't realise everything would come together in the end.
"I am your morning star." How apt a message because the morning star is also the evening star. "She shines first, she shines brightest, and she shines longest," as the famous quote from the movie goes. And isn't God just that?
(Lovingly dedicated to SV because of whom, or perhaps despite whom, I continue to believe in all I believe in.)
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