My Chaotic Heart's Prayer

My life from the vantage point of the Divine (Papuan Rainforest and the Ramu River from the air, Madang to Port Moresby; 2014)

My limbic system has been extra active as of late. While writing in my journal today, it felt like I was swept by an avalanche of emotions more powerful than the last few days'. After several pages of journal writing and a few buckets of tears, I calmed down and began, as if on cue from the Spirit, to write down a prayer.

Below is a prayer from and for my turbulent heart.

Lord, help me to come to terms with my realities - past and present. Help me to see myself with kindness, with the loving gaze that can come only from You. During this time of self-doubt, please help me to continue to believe that You planted goodness and wonderful gifts unto my being. Remind me always that You created me in Your image and likeness.  May I see this goodness and giftedness when I look at myself and when I review my life and what I have made of it, especially during these times when I am not the confident person I once was.   When self-pity and feelings of inadequacy crush me inside out, help me to trust that You've created me in my mother's womb with great care and with total love and affection. With this confidence, may I stand tall even in the face of financial constraints and lack of a meaningful job I can be proud of.  When I feel like life is a waste, when it feels like everything is a deadend and I can no longer rise from the ashes I now find myself in, hold my hand and strengthen my faith in Your promise that You have plans for a better future for me, that, as in the past, one day I will be in a place which is beyond what I can now imagine with my narrow vision. Please be patient with me in my many moments of unbelief and impatience as I try to live out your dreams for me. Amen. 

Looking at the picture above, I am reminded that, while I now see only bits and pieces of my disordered and seemingly meaningless life, our all-knowing and faithful God sees beauty and meaning in my life.  From God's vantage point, this challenging time, this moment of emptiness and nothingness is part of a well-thought out and grand plan. There is a rainforest on the far side of the trees, there are wide rivers and seas beyond the tributaries. And they all make up a beautiful landscape.