Parenting an Adolescent: I Thought It Was About Him
During our assessment days, which I run at least twice a month, one of the things I ask our candidates to share during the introductions is their growth edge. For the past several months, my own sharing had been about maneuvering the transition from being the mother of a little boy to one who is in the threshold of adolescence. When I wrote my wishes for 2013, this transition as a mother was also in my list.
The recent turn of events in my life somehow affirms what I had always believed that, when we articulate what our hearts want and need, our inner Sophia, Goddess of Wisdom, will guide us. She will lead us to an awareness of how our experiences provide significant openings to help us resolve the issue at hand or attain our heart's most ardent desire - not in a magical way but by going through experiences that stretch us and gain the gift that the stretching brings. To be more Paulo Coelho-ic about it, "all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
The Trip to UK and My Separation Anxiety
Amidst the excitement about going to the UK for the first time, a part of me felt anxious at being away from home for a long time (oh well, I am a generally anxious person but I must admit I was more anxious than usual). It meant being separated from my son for about 10 days (5 being our longest prior to that) and leaving him, not with his tatay but with my 82-year old mother. Could they manage things on their own?
Enzo was initially upset at the thought that I would be gone for long but over the next few weeks after I announced the trip, he had moved on. I hadn't. I spent the last week prior to my trip in buying sprees - not just for pasalubongs for London but also for food supplies for the household I was leaving behind. I must admit I somehow overdid it. Much of what I bought was still in the house when I came back.
During the flight from Abu Dhabi to Heathrow, I had the chance to write on my journal. Here's a portion of what I wrote in relation to my separation from Enzo:
"How anxious I was to even think about it - how to make sure everything will be perfectly alright, from his meals to his health and sleep. Had it not been London, I probably would have thought 10 times about doing this trip. As the days of my departure approached, I noticed that it was more me than my son who was feeling anxious. It was I, not Enzo, who was having separation anxiety. As I think about it now, from a distance, I am reminded of one of my wishes for 2013: to be able to transition to being a mother of an adolescent - to allow him space to be himself, something which happens more during times when he is on his own. I know his inner landscape will be changed somehow by this temporary separation, by my physical absence. And I know that the change will be for the better. I know that I too am being changed. I am learning to relinquish control as all-knowing mother and to simply trust that everything will work out well. The control freak in me has to let go of the illusion that things will fall apart in my absence and trust that our God who loves each of us beyond measure will be in charge, as She/He had always been. I may love Enzo with the best that I know and am capable of, but I have to trust too that God's love for him is much deeper and wider than what I can offer. I have to allow some mental and emotional space for this love of God to be manifest. Enzo will be safe in God's hands. . . as well as in Nanay's.
Meeting of Parents of Graduating Students
One of my first activities upon arriving was to attend the meeting called by the school for parents of graduating students. I was a bit hesitant to attend given my backlog at work and my jetlag but Enzo wouldn't let me pass. "Attendance is a must," he read out loud. So, the dutiful mother that I had always tried to be took a leave of absence from work to attend the meeting.
As soon as the initial chit-chat with the parents was over and the meeting proper started, I felt a deep sense of loss. Many of the parents in the meeting were familiar to me since Enzo's school started as a very small school. They were the pioneering batch and it was like a small community of students, parents, and teachers during the early years. It was usual for students to say, "Enzo, nandiyan ang nanay mo," as soon as his schoolmates saw me.
As they finish 6th grade, Enzo and his classmates may be parting ways, and as they do, I grapple with issues of letting go of the familiar and the known. What kind of friends will he have? What kind of parents will his new friends have? How will he adjust to a new school (which until now we haven't figured out where)? Is it a good decision to leave the confines of this "safe" school? What kinds of things will he experiment on? Will he have a girlfriend soon? What if someone breaks his heart?
Gee, do I really need to be this anxious? I guess one of the growth edges for me as a parent-in-transition is to work on my own anxieties. I need to let go of the need to know and control everything and the desire for everything to be perfect. I need to let go of the fear of my son being hurt and to trust instead that being hurt is one of life's realities and by going through necessary hurts he will grow in character and wisdom. I need to let go of the need to protect him from the so-called vicissitudes of life. For underneath all these fears and anxieties is, really, the inability to trust that he can take care of himself. And that isn't how I would like to see him. That is not how I had raised him. As he proudly said while I was in UK, his lola got sick and he took care of the dishes. Yes, he can manage. Now, I will have to face my anxieties and its roots.
I read somewhere that parenting can be a healing experience for parents if only parents are conscious and open enough to allow it to heal them. The journey towards healing goes on for me. . . as I try to be a better parent to my son.
The recent turn of events in my life somehow affirms what I had always believed that, when we articulate what our hearts want and need, our inner Sophia, Goddess of Wisdom, will guide us. She will lead us to an awareness of how our experiences provide significant openings to help us resolve the issue at hand or attain our heart's most ardent desire - not in a magical way but by going through experiences that stretch us and gain the gift that the stretching brings. To be more Paulo Coelho-ic about it, "all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
The Trip to UK and My Separation Anxiety
Amidst the excitement about going to the UK for the first time, a part of me felt anxious at being away from home for a long time (oh well, I am a generally anxious person but I must admit I was more anxious than usual). It meant being separated from my son for about 10 days (5 being our longest prior to that) and leaving him, not with his tatay but with my 82-year old mother. Could they manage things on their own?
Enzo was initially upset at the thought that I would be gone for long but over the next few weeks after I announced the trip, he had moved on. I hadn't. I spent the last week prior to my trip in buying sprees - not just for pasalubongs for London but also for food supplies for the household I was leaving behind. I must admit I somehow overdid it. Much of what I bought was still in the house when I came back.
During the flight from Abu Dhabi to Heathrow, I had the chance to write on my journal. Here's a portion of what I wrote in relation to my separation from Enzo:
"How anxious I was to even think about it - how to make sure everything will be perfectly alright, from his meals to his health and sleep. Had it not been London, I probably would have thought 10 times about doing this trip. As the days of my departure approached, I noticed that it was more me than my son who was feeling anxious. It was I, not Enzo, who was having separation anxiety. As I think about it now, from a distance, I am reminded of one of my wishes for 2013: to be able to transition to being a mother of an adolescent - to allow him space to be himself, something which happens more during times when he is on his own. I know his inner landscape will be changed somehow by this temporary separation, by my physical absence. And I know that the change will be for the better. I know that I too am being changed. I am learning to relinquish control as all-knowing mother and to simply trust that everything will work out well. The control freak in me has to let go of the illusion that things will fall apart in my absence and trust that our God who loves each of us beyond measure will be in charge, as She/He had always been. I may love Enzo with the best that I know and am capable of, but I have to trust too that God's love for him is much deeper and wider than what I can offer. I have to allow some mental and emotional space for this love of God to be manifest. Enzo will be safe in God's hands. . . as well as in Nanay's.
Meeting of Parents of Graduating Students
One of my first activities upon arriving was to attend the meeting called by the school for parents of graduating students. I was a bit hesitant to attend given my backlog at work and my jetlag but Enzo wouldn't let me pass. "Attendance is a must," he read out loud. So, the dutiful mother that I had always tried to be took a leave of absence from work to attend the meeting.
As soon as the initial chit-chat with the parents was over and the meeting proper started, I felt a deep sense of loss. Many of the parents in the meeting were familiar to me since Enzo's school started as a very small school. They were the pioneering batch and it was like a small community of students, parents, and teachers during the early years. It was usual for students to say, "Enzo, nandiyan ang nanay mo," as soon as his schoolmates saw me.
As they finish 6th grade, Enzo and his classmates may be parting ways, and as they do, I grapple with issues of letting go of the familiar and the known. What kind of friends will he have? What kind of parents will his new friends have? How will he adjust to a new school (which until now we haven't figured out where)? Is it a good decision to leave the confines of this "safe" school? What kinds of things will he experiment on? Will he have a girlfriend soon? What if someone breaks his heart?
Gee, do I really need to be this anxious? I guess one of the growth edges for me as a parent-in-transition is to work on my own anxieties. I need to let go of the need to know and control everything and the desire for everything to be perfect. I need to let go of the fear of my son being hurt and to trust instead that being hurt is one of life's realities and by going through necessary hurts he will grow in character and wisdom. I need to let go of the need to protect him from the so-called vicissitudes of life. For underneath all these fears and anxieties is, really, the inability to trust that he can take care of himself. And that isn't how I would like to see him. That is not how I had raised him. As he proudly said while I was in UK, his lola got sick and he took care of the dishes. Yes, he can manage. Now, I will have to face my anxieties and its roots.
I read somewhere that parenting can be a healing experience for parents if only parents are conscious and open enough to allow it to heal them. The journey towards healing goes on for me. . . as I try to be a better parent to my son.
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| Geared for the zipline. . . geared for life |
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