Rewiring the Body-Mind
Keeping my promise to listen to and nurture my body and with a lot of prodding from concerned friends and family, I finally went to see a doctor to show my test results and seek third opinion for my arm and spine challenges.
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear," so goes a Buddhist proverb. I guess I met this doctor at just the right time. I was not only ready to spend on my body (he is not covered by my health insurance); I was also more keen to really pay attention again to the messages my body had been wanting to tell me. The messages initially came as whispers. Now, these come more as shouts and cries of anguish.
"Please listen to me. Please take care of me," she seems to say in between gasps and whimpers. A mother to my son and a surrogate mother to two nephews and a niece and a dedicated worker in my organisation, I found myself having less and less time and energy for myself. The Self had come at the bottom of the list - both in terms of emotional nurturing and physical care. And so, when my body finally spoke, it was like she was having temper tantrums and wanting all of me to myself. She wants me to take care of my Self, to show my Self genuine care and love. Once this was articulated, a well of tears and insights flowed from my inmost Self.
It dawned on me that my inability to be faithful to the simple exercises taught by the physical therapist stemmed from the way I viewed the exercise. Exercising was another responsibility! My hands were full and now I had an additional work to do. Likewise, with all the expenses I had, should I even bother to check out a doctor I'd have to pay from my own pocket when I have a health insurance that would allow me to experiment with all possible doctors listed in the insurance catalogue? How could I afford to take another whole week's break from work when there is just so much to do and I have such a big responsibility in my region?
Now, as I prepare for this barbotage procedure, an alternative to conventional surgery for what turned out to be more than just simple tendonitis, I find myself in deep communion with my body and my inner Self again. It's like being reunited with a long lost beloved. There's a lot of catching up to do but also a sense of intimacy with someone I had always known deep down.
If I were to capture my body's message in a subject heading, it would be REWIRING. With my left, dominant hand, now needing to be rested and with the doctor's admonition that it could not be used for a week after the procedure, I am teaching my right hand to do things that I had always counted on my left to do. My right hand also needs to do things on its own. My right hand has to learn to take on the responsibilities of my left hand. Or perhaps a more positive way to put it is that my left hand has to learn to relinquish control and trust that both power and responsibility can be shared with my right hand.
Needless to say the rewiring is also happening on the mental and emotional planes. In fact, difficult though it may already sound to change the way I do things physically, making the mental and emotional paradigm shift is even more challenging. Can I accept vulnerability and allow myself to be vulnerable without wallowing in feelings of uselessness and self-pity? Can I genuinely care for my Self without feeling guilty and without thinking that I am depriving those dependent on me for love and care? Can I value myself as equally if not more important than my work? Can I be the loving and affectionate mother to my inner child as represented by my body? Can I indulge myself in quality health care with a doctor whose bedside manners and approaches to health are consistent with my views of integrative health care?
The past couple of weeks felt like being in a rollercoaster of emotions. One time I'd feel so hopeful and happy at the opportunities for healing my body-mind. Another time I'd find myself so low and overwhelmed at the thoughts of life-after-the-barbotage. Still at other times I'd fall into self-pity for not knowing where or how support would come during the one-week healing period. At other times, I'd even find some annoyance (Okay, I'll admit it, anger as well) for having to take on so much responsibility. I can only take some relief in how I am able to manage not to allow any of the negative feelings to linger for more than a day. Yes, I would entertain them and welcome them to my emotional porch. I needed to hear the message they brought. But no, I would not let them into my hearth, much less to my bedroom, for here, I only allow the JOY at knowing that I am blessed to have the resources to make a choice about my health and that deep sense of HOPE that things will be better for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually as I go through this journey.
Without really engaging in much of the external trimmings and rituals of the season, I find myself going through my own internal Advent. This third Sunday's theme of hope and joy can't be more true in my inner journey. And while we're still in Advent, I find within me glimmers of the Epiphany, God being manifest during this uncertain time.
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear," so goes a Buddhist proverb. I guess I met this doctor at just the right time. I was not only ready to spend on my body (he is not covered by my health insurance); I was also more keen to really pay attention again to the messages my body had been wanting to tell me. The messages initially came as whispers. Now, these come more as shouts and cries of anguish.
"Please listen to me. Please take care of me," she seems to say in between gasps and whimpers. A mother to my son and a surrogate mother to two nephews and a niece and a dedicated worker in my organisation, I found myself having less and less time and energy for myself. The Self had come at the bottom of the list - both in terms of emotional nurturing and physical care. And so, when my body finally spoke, it was like she was having temper tantrums and wanting all of me to myself. She wants me to take care of my Self, to show my Self genuine care and love. Once this was articulated, a well of tears and insights flowed from my inmost Self.
It dawned on me that my inability to be faithful to the simple exercises taught by the physical therapist stemmed from the way I viewed the exercise. Exercising was another responsibility! My hands were full and now I had an additional work to do. Likewise, with all the expenses I had, should I even bother to check out a doctor I'd have to pay from my own pocket when I have a health insurance that would allow me to experiment with all possible doctors listed in the insurance catalogue? How could I afford to take another whole week's break from work when there is just so much to do and I have such a big responsibility in my region?
Now, as I prepare for this barbotage procedure, an alternative to conventional surgery for what turned out to be more than just simple tendonitis, I find myself in deep communion with my body and my inner Self again. It's like being reunited with a long lost beloved. There's a lot of catching up to do but also a sense of intimacy with someone I had always known deep down.
If I were to capture my body's message in a subject heading, it would be REWIRING. With my left, dominant hand, now needing to be rested and with the doctor's admonition that it could not be used for a week after the procedure, I am teaching my right hand to do things that I had always counted on my left to do. My right hand also needs to do things on its own. My right hand has to learn to take on the responsibilities of my left hand. Or perhaps a more positive way to put it is that my left hand has to learn to relinquish control and trust that both power and responsibility can be shared with my right hand.
Needless to say the rewiring is also happening on the mental and emotional planes. In fact, difficult though it may already sound to change the way I do things physically, making the mental and emotional paradigm shift is even more challenging. Can I accept vulnerability and allow myself to be vulnerable without wallowing in feelings of uselessness and self-pity? Can I genuinely care for my Self without feeling guilty and without thinking that I am depriving those dependent on me for love and care? Can I value myself as equally if not more important than my work? Can I be the loving and affectionate mother to my inner child as represented by my body? Can I indulge myself in quality health care with a doctor whose bedside manners and approaches to health are consistent with my views of integrative health care?
The past couple of weeks felt like being in a rollercoaster of emotions. One time I'd feel so hopeful and happy at the opportunities for healing my body-mind. Another time I'd find myself so low and overwhelmed at the thoughts of life-after-the-barbotage. Still at other times I'd fall into self-pity for not knowing where or how support would come during the one-week healing period. At other times, I'd even find some annoyance (Okay, I'll admit it, anger as well) for having to take on so much responsibility. I can only take some relief in how I am able to manage not to allow any of the negative feelings to linger for more than a day. Yes, I would entertain them and welcome them to my emotional porch. I needed to hear the message they brought. But no, I would not let them into my hearth, much less to my bedroom, for here, I only allow the JOY at knowing that I am blessed to have the resources to make a choice about my health and that deep sense of HOPE that things will be better for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually as I go through this journey.
Without really engaging in much of the external trimmings and rituals of the season, I find myself going through my own internal Advent. This third Sunday's theme of hope and joy can't be more true in my inner journey. And while we're still in Advent, I find within me glimmers of the Epiphany, God being manifest during this uncertain time.
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| She now sits in my work station to remind me to nurture my body-mind-spirit. |
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