A Letter to (my) Spine
Dear Spine,
I've ignored you for too long. For the past three years, you had been quietly telling me about your pain. I would seek some kind of relief by making a round of the orthos and rehab doctors covered by my medical health insurance but I never really took you and your pain seriously enough until now. And how can't I? I can hardly type for more 30 minutes without experiencing excruciating pain. Cooking which is a source of joy I have given up for weeks. What with the pain that the cutting and chopping and all the hand work causes me. I have not touched my blog in weeks. How frustrating it feels to have so much to write and not be able to type long enough.
As the doctors say, this is partly because of approaching the aging years (if I may be a bit gentle about it instead of saying plainly, as the doctors did, that this is part of aging). Many people develop cervical spondylosis but to a lesser degree and undiagnosed. What a relief! It's not just me and that ousted President.
So, partly it is developmental. Largely, it is postural. How had I been carrying my spine all these years? My therapist gave me this illustration showing proper posture when using the computer and on all counts I admittedly flank. So, I buy a new work table and an ergonomic chair and re-arranged my work station. Yet, I would find out after sitting in front of my new work station that the biggest and most difficult change to make is internal. I need to unlearn my old posture. My body has been so used to sitting and working improperly that even with my new ergonomic work station I still go back to old ways of doing things. I will discover that, as in many instances, the answer is mindfulness. I need to pay attention, to constantly check how I am sitting, to my tendency to carry my head forward. I try and do this. But, dear Spine, it looks like you've reached your limit. I must have abused you so much. Six out of six cervical discs are slipped. After eight physical therapy sessions and three acupuncture sessions, I don't experience any marked change. I've never been this faithful to physical exercise. I exercise my neck and arms at least twice a day. Still, I am not pain-free.
In a desperate attempt to seek healing, I went back to Cranio-sacral therapy (CST) that I had abandoned after going on a full-time work almost four years ago. Something about it felt right- the gentleness with which my neck and entire body was handled. I could feel deep inside that you somehow leapt with gladness. Not joy, but quiet gladness. The only description I can give of it right now was how the baby in the womb of Elizabeth moved in the presence of Mary who was carrying the Christ in her own womb.
CST does not promise immediate relief though. It will take a little while to release all these tangled up discs and energies. It does not promise magical healing. Healing will also entail facing the psycho-emotional issues underlying my relationship with you, dear Spine. The neck mediates the head and the heart. Are my head and heart going in opposite directions? What does my head do to what my heart wants? I know I need to come to terms with these if total healing is to happen.
Yes, Spine, I may be a very stubborn person. So strong willed at times that I tend to sacrifice my body. Now that you are speaking to me, no, now that you are wailing and shouting, I cannot but be still and really listen to what you have to tell me. Indeed, even in this health crisis there is gift.
Thank you, Spine, for reminding me that. . .
Healing is not a magical process. That is one for the painkillers. For those of us who want genuine rather than palliative healing, patience and mindfulness are as important if not more important than prescribed medicines.
Unlearning is key to healing. I need to pay attention to all aspects of my being and ask, "what are ways of doing and being that aggravate my current condition?" The answers don't come easy and so do the changes that the answers bring to light. But, really, not all that I've been used to - whether it's physical posture, mental processes, or emotional conditioning - are necessarily good for me. I've been so used to taking on and being in these unhealthy states that it takes so much effort to unlearn these and be comfortable with what is truly my healthy, natural state.
My body has a limit. She can only take so much abuses and neglect. When the body finally says it's enough, there comes a point when we just can't ignore it anymore. It's like facing the end of a one-way road only to discover that it leads to another, more promising one but there is no turning back. It's a one-way road! I can only choose to fall off the cliff or take that new, unfamiliar yet promising road to healing and wellness of my body-mind-spirit.
Love abounds through the care of people - my son's faithfulness to what has now become a nightly ritual of apply hot packs, my Nanay's taking on much of the house work, a friend who would drive for me to help me get a new chair, my nephew who picked up my table for me, friends who send healing love and prayers, including one who made me laugh so hard by saying she would "outsource" my prayer request, my CST clinic's secretary who made the improbable happen by having me scheduled immediately when I know the wait for new patients is sometimes three to six months, my line manager's support and concern. Love and care come in many forms and sometimes even from unexpected places and sources.
Jesus, the healer and my great lover, holds my hand and ambles with me in this long journey to healing. He may not magically take away my pains, but He gently caresses me where I need care and healing the most.
Thank you, my dear Spine. They say there's no such thing as being too late for anything. I hope they are right.
I've ignored you for too long. For the past three years, you had been quietly telling me about your pain. I would seek some kind of relief by making a round of the orthos and rehab doctors covered by my medical health insurance but I never really took you and your pain seriously enough until now. And how can't I? I can hardly type for more 30 minutes without experiencing excruciating pain. Cooking which is a source of joy I have given up for weeks. What with the pain that the cutting and chopping and all the hand work causes me. I have not touched my blog in weeks. How frustrating it feels to have so much to write and not be able to type long enough.
As the doctors say, this is partly because of approaching the aging years (if I may be a bit gentle about it instead of saying plainly, as the doctors did, that this is part of aging). Many people develop cervical spondylosis but to a lesser degree and undiagnosed. What a relief! It's not just me and that ousted President.
So, partly it is developmental. Largely, it is postural. How had I been carrying my spine all these years? My therapist gave me this illustration showing proper posture when using the computer and on all counts I admittedly flank. So, I buy a new work table and an ergonomic chair and re-arranged my work station. Yet, I would find out after sitting in front of my new work station that the biggest and most difficult change to make is internal. I need to unlearn my old posture. My body has been so used to sitting and working improperly that even with my new ergonomic work station I still go back to old ways of doing things. I will discover that, as in many instances, the answer is mindfulness. I need to pay attention, to constantly check how I am sitting, to my tendency to carry my head forward. I try and do this. But, dear Spine, it looks like you've reached your limit. I must have abused you so much. Six out of six cervical discs are slipped. After eight physical therapy sessions and three acupuncture sessions, I don't experience any marked change. I've never been this faithful to physical exercise. I exercise my neck and arms at least twice a day. Still, I am not pain-free. In a desperate attempt to seek healing, I went back to Cranio-sacral therapy (CST) that I had abandoned after going on a full-time work almost four years ago. Something about it felt right- the gentleness with which my neck and entire body was handled. I could feel deep inside that you somehow leapt with gladness. Not joy, but quiet gladness. The only description I can give of it right now was how the baby in the womb of Elizabeth moved in the presence of Mary who was carrying the Christ in her own womb.
CST does not promise immediate relief though. It will take a little while to release all these tangled up discs and energies. It does not promise magical healing. Healing will also entail facing the psycho-emotional issues underlying my relationship with you, dear Spine. The neck mediates the head and the heart. Are my head and heart going in opposite directions? What does my head do to what my heart wants? I know I need to come to terms with these if total healing is to happen.
Yes, Spine, I may be a very stubborn person. So strong willed at times that I tend to sacrifice my body. Now that you are speaking to me, no, now that you are wailing and shouting, I cannot but be still and really listen to what you have to tell me. Indeed, even in this health crisis there is gift.
Thank you, Spine, for reminding me that. . .
Healing is not a magical process. That is one for the painkillers. For those of us who want genuine rather than palliative healing, patience and mindfulness are as important if not more important than prescribed medicines.
Unlearning is key to healing. I need to pay attention to all aspects of my being and ask, "what are ways of doing and being that aggravate my current condition?" The answers don't come easy and so do the changes that the answers bring to light. But, really, not all that I've been used to - whether it's physical posture, mental processes, or emotional conditioning - are necessarily good for me. I've been so used to taking on and being in these unhealthy states that it takes so much effort to unlearn these and be comfortable with what is truly my healthy, natural state.
My body has a limit. She can only take so much abuses and neglect. When the body finally says it's enough, there comes a point when we just can't ignore it anymore. It's like facing the end of a one-way road only to discover that it leads to another, more promising one but there is no turning back. It's a one-way road! I can only choose to fall off the cliff or take that new, unfamiliar yet promising road to healing and wellness of my body-mind-spirit.
Love abounds through the care of people - my son's faithfulness to what has now become a nightly ritual of apply hot packs, my Nanay's taking on much of the house work, a friend who would drive for me to help me get a new chair, my nephew who picked up my table for me, friends who send healing love and prayers, including one who made me laugh so hard by saying she would "outsource" my prayer request, my CST clinic's secretary who made the improbable happen by having me scheduled immediately when I know the wait for new patients is sometimes three to six months, my line manager's support and concern. Love and care come in many forms and sometimes even from unexpected places and sources.
Jesus, the healer and my great lover, holds my hand and ambles with me in this long journey to healing. He may not magically take away my pains, but He gently caresses me where I need care and healing the most.
Thank you, my dear Spine. They say there's no such thing as being too late for anything. I hope they are right.
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| Something from the Gandhi museum in India. . . I change Bapu with "me, your body" |
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