Tending my Inner Garden

My post-trauma stress reactions may have been delayed, but the impact simply could not be ignored.  The experience shook me to the core, and one of the most significant changes I am invited to make is to pay attention to my inner movements through genuine, rather than compensatory, self-care. The running theme in my prayer and meditation  is returning to my sacred space, which is metaphorically revealed to me this time as my secret garden. My current process brings to mind  the book and movie, Secret Garden. 

Years of neglect rooted in hard-to-break habits of working and ways of valuing (or not valuing) the Self have led to an abandoned, out-of-shape garden.  I am invited to tend this neglected garden. I listen to my inner stirrings and have made some radical commitments. 

Make time

I am tempted to say keeping a work-life balance but I've made resolutions on this for years that saying it now sounds like a broken record to me and to those who know me well.  Let me just say then that this time I'm committing to make time for myself and for other things that matter.  This means shorter work hours and less time for activities which do not nurture my soul.  Having made 12 hours my new normal work hours, I know that my biggest hurdle is adopting a healthier and reasonable work habit. I try to log off at 7:00 in the evening.  In response to someone's bantering and joke to set my alarm at 7:00 so that I won't lose track of time, I now set my alarm to 6:30 to remind me to wrap things up and prepare to end my work day.  

Prayer and meditative reading 

I find reading to listen to my inner promptings rather than to simply increase my cognitive abilities and using my readings as springboard for prayer to be very powerful ways to connect to my inner Self.  My friend D gave me a book by favourite author, Joyce Rupp, years ago.  Last week I found the book in one of my drawers.  When I saw it I new that it was exactly what I needed to guide me.  Aptly titled Open the Door it opened the door of my unconscious, guiding me to a place in my heart, which now guides me through my healing journey. 

Prayer and meditation require a commitment though.  It is not just giving oneself time but also allowing oneself the space to be empty, to let go of worries and preoccupations, and to just allow the Spirit to lead one. It must be a specially blessed time as I started close to the celebration of the feast of the Pentecost.  The Spirit was truly working hard to motivate me and keep me attuned to Its promptings. 

Art therapy

In 2009 I took a brave move to do art therapy as part of my inner work.  I refer to this as a brave move as arts is something I've always tried to evade.  The message that I couldn't do anything well in visual arts was a wounding message I had from a teacher in grade school. It would take months of art therapy to come to heal this wound. To, be honest, this is still an area of insecurity, but it is no longer something I'd run away from anymore. That's because I've discovered that immersing myself in the arts is another window to my inner world.  It was striking how my strokes, my choice of colours, the expansiveness or smallness of my work space and movements, and my whole attitude about working on a particular project would mirror my attitude about life and my inner movements. 

After my first meditation last week, I was drawn to paint the rich imagery of my meditation.  I picked up my soft pastels and the only sheet of paper within my reach.  Art beckons and so yesterday I got a few art materials including some adult colouring materials which I realised has become an "in" thing now.  

Music therapy

Music is a great key to opening the door to my inner Self.  It still surprises me how a song or piece of musical work can stir me in a deep way.  Josh Groban's Let Me Fall, Bukas Palad's Gabing Kulimlim and God of Silence, Bach's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring, and Pachelbel's Canon in D are always capable of either disturbing me to move out of complacency toward inner growth or soothing my inner pains.  The key, however, is to allow myself to listen contemplatively instead of simply keeping this as background music to other things going on in my life.  

Snatam Kaur is my latest discovery.  I discovered her soothing meditative music while walking in Bhaktapur, Nepal.  Her CDs were my last finds in Nepal before the earth shook. My companions would say that the time it took me to shop for her CDs spared us somehow. 

Nature's healing touch

South Batan's Racuh a Payaman (aka Batanes' Marlboro Country), December 2014

Since last week's meditation on my secret garden I had been longing to spend some days immersed in nature.  I've arranged for a weekend retreat just to reconnect with nature.  This is coming up soon.  In the meantime, I try to take nature walks  in the morning even if nature only means the small gardens, the occasional trees in the village, or the photos taken from my trips, the sloping hills of Batanes among my favourites. 

Blogging

Nothing has been more therapeutic for me than writing.  It was blogging again that broke the curse, that awakened me from a long slumber of inner disconnect.  I've been writing weekly for the last three weeks and I'm finding the exercise both healing and transformative.  Writing moves me to explore the inner corners of my soul.  By doing so, some say I also help them to discover the world around them and often the depths of the world within them.


Everyday opens up new invitations.  I keep my body-mind-spirit open to the movements of the Spirit within.  This time around, I hope I'll remain faithful and committed to nurturing my inner Self. Re-discovering and committing myself again to tend my secret garden is a reminder of what I've always believed:  there is gift in trauma.