Dissecting Cool Motherhood

While I don't subscribe to the commercialized way that Mothers' Day has come to be celebrated, I also won't be a KJ and hypocrite to say that I don't delight in my son's effort to show his appreciation for the mother that I am to him.  And I say with pride that his sweetness and affirmations do not come only on mothers' day.  (Our long distance mother-son relationship has made him more expressive of his love, appreciation, and concern for me.)

Although it's not the first time that he has referred to me as a "cool nanay", somehow being described as one still baffles me. In our chat and after thanking him for his e-card, I asked him, "Please define cool." The long, circuitous exchange ended with him saying, "Eh secret. Hihi" which I have come to understand and accept as "end of conversation." I knew better than to probe further. 

So, what (or who) is a cool mother? 

Is it she who teases her son about his relationship, that he refers to as MU for mutual understanding, and encourages him to talk about it even doing if so leaves her living with a lot of worries and fears  about the raging hormones, misplaced sexual energies, and broken hearts after?  Worries, anxieties, and fears that she keeps mostly to herself. 

Is it she who, after yakking about a ludicrously expensive hobby or concert, will lend her son money which she knows will take him until the next birthday or Christmas to pay for? 

Is it she who talks about social and political issues with her son and encourages him to be critical thinking even to the point of him expressing ideas that sometimes offend her or make her quietly tell herself, "that's the price I pay for raising a critical thinking son"? 

Is it she, who in her OC-ness stocks up weeks worth of food in the freezer to make sure he eats decent meals in her absence? This from one who now eats fast-food and packed meals more than half of the time? 

Is it she who makes sure she and her son talk daily even if the conversations are sometimes more of a Q&A?  She who stays on even when some days all she gets is "Okay lang"? 

Is it she who tries her best, even from a distance, to respond to his sick calls and make sure he is attended to in the best possible way? Or she who stays by his side when he has acute asthma attacks in the wee hours of the morning, applying oil blends and preparing herbal tea? 

Is it she who accepts a work engagement from afar to sustain the family financially while at the same time creating a life of meaning and relevance? 

While I stopped bugging him about defining cool motherhood, my mind didn't really drop the question. During my afternoon walk, I found myself at it again even if a small voice in my head was already telling me to stop cerebralizing everything. 

Perhaps, it was pondering, the way Mary did, rather than plain rumination. 

My quiet mind and heart arrived at some answers while enjoying the cool breeze and the dancing trees. 

Being a cool mother means being able to allow her son, at his age now, more freedom to express himself in ways that allow him to discover and appreciate his unique Self even when his ways are sometimes in contrast with her own. This is because she recognizes that the God who dwells in her heart and mind is also present in her son. She may struggle with this reality but she makes an effort to believe and live by it. 

Being a cool mother means adoring and loving her son - warts and all, through failures and successes, at his finest and worst. It doesn't mean tolerating what is not right, but providing guidance and standing by his side to cheer and shout with joy over his successes and to hold his hand and cry with him in his moments of disappointment and pain. It means painfully allowing him to suffer the consequences of his choices as it is only by doing so that he learns responsibility and discovers his well of strength and gifts from within.

Lastly, being a cool nanay means having a life beyond being a mother to her son. It means discovering other forms of motherhood, of creating something of and for herself so that she can live a life that matters to the bigger world outside. This brings me back to a prayer shared by a friend with me eons ago, from that period in our lives as new mothers and when greetings and thoughts were shared on paper rather than on Facebook. 

Prayer for a Mother

God be with the mother. 

As she carried her child, may she carry her soul. 

As her child was born whole, may she give birth and life and form to her own truth.

As she nourished and protected her child, may she nourish and protect her inner life and her independence.

For the soul shall be her most painful birth, her most difficult child, and the dearest sister to her children. 

Amen.  

(Author unknown)