The Things I Keep in My Heart

When dark clouds hover (Notre Dame University, Cotabato City; July 2018)

Many times, since moving to what has become my other world in Cotabato, I had asked myself whether I was being a good mother, whether I'm doing long-distance parenting right.  It's not difficult to fall into this self-doubt when my almost daily conversations with my son were filled with responses to the tune of "Okay naman" and "wala lang". 

Some days though I find myself in what is a graced moment wrapped in panic-inducing revelations from my son. When he told me that he might be depressed, according to an online test that he took, my auto-pilot mode was quick to jump in and almost shifted from a concerned mother to a psychologist. Gratefully, I was able to catch myself.  I managed to simply listen to him even if at the back of my mind I could hear my alarm bells ringing.  When I hinted at the possibility of him seeing a psychologist, he expressed ambivalence. So, I backed off again. I had to constantly remind myself that what he was going through is his personal journey.  It's not about me. When I can be that part of my Self, I feel I'm able to get through to him.

One night, he said he wanted to tell me something important but preferred that we talked via instant messaging on Messenger because it made him feel awkward. I could imagine how awkward it was to tell me such a sensitive thing that he was experiencing.  For a brief moment, I was lost for words.  I was equally grateful then that we were chatting on Messenger rather than via video call. It was one "kung saan ka masaya, suportahan ta ka" moment for me. Although his sharing made me feel slightly unsettled, I knew that what counted then were my love and understanding. And I was glad I was able to make him feel that.  

When he asked me towards the end of our conversation whether I was spooked by what he told me, I was honest enough to say that I was, slightly, and mainly because I was concerned about what this meant for him. When I reminded him that I had always been open about these things, his response took my breath away.  "That's what convinced me to tell you."

I guess I'm not such a lousy long-distance mother after all. Like Mary, "I kept these things in my heart."