It is finished

At just about the same time that a speaker would usually talk about the sixth of the Siete Palabras, I found myself uttering the same words yesterday. as I concluded the 10-hour clean-up and clearing of my cabinet.  It is finished.   

I know many could have easily finished the task in less than two hours; however, I decided to take the long contemplative route such that the whole exercise was akin to a spiritual retreat.  I would deliberately pause for recollection and to jot down my insights and reflections as I went through the process of bringing out and sorting the clothes, cleaning the closet, and deciding how my cabinet should now look. Every step of the way, I felt my inner Self speaking to me like a friend, telling me both the good and the bad and the gray ones in between in a way that is honest yet gentle. And often, with some humor. 

To go or not to go

I wish the sorting process is always as easy as ABC.  The basic rule is to get rid of something that one hadn't worn in a year. I had always managed to get around this rule as I'd sometimes be able to wear again something I've not worn in a decade. Come to think of it though it only would be one in two dozen pieces of clothes that I actually manage to recycle.  Is it worth keeping all two dozens just because I might be able to wear a piece of it after five years?

The most difficult to let go of are the favorite ones like the shirts I'd have two colors of the same style or those I'd have two sets of the same style and color or that favorite dress that was the exact fit, color, design, and length that I wanted. And yet, they had been unused for more than a year mainly because they are too small already.  

This year's cleaning up is made a little easier by the fact that almost a third of my clothes don't fit anymore.  I would jokingly tell my friends that my clothes decided to shrink at the same time. This is easier to say than to simply admit that I had put on 10 pounds in less than two years, that I am now heavier than I was on my 9th month of pregnancy.  I am a realistic person though and so anything that didn't fit had to go even if those were my most favorite ones. 

Acceptance is the name of the game. I can try and fool myself that one day I will be able to wear these again or simply accept that in my middle years my middle aged body is also undergoing transformation.  Unlike the earlier ones of my younger years, my body's transformation now is to a certain extent both inevitable and irreversible. I can do something to mitigate some of the changes, but the truth is that my metabolism is now slower. 

My body is changing and it does so to be a good vessel to my evolving Spirit. And no, I'm not complaining (though I'll really miss my favorite Vida Doria trio) because I feel happier with my body now. And I guess this applies to many other areas of my Self.  I may whine about many things but at the end of the day I'd still feel that I am where I am meant to be.  This isn't necessarily exactly how I want to live my life forever but I love the life I have now and at no time in my life had I been more accepting and appreciative of who I am than now.  I am not perfect nor am I fully integrated (if there's such a person) but I am at peace with the evolving Me. 

The other equally difficult ones to let go of were those that still fit physically but just don't seem to reflect my evolving Self anymore when I wear them. They are not necessarily off but just don't fit somehow, like ways of being and doing that just don't work for me anymore. While I have shed off a lot of my non-growth-promoting attitudes and behaviors over the last 20 years, I still have a long way to go.  With gentleness, kindness, and faithfulness, I continue on with the lifelong process of shedding off and discovering my inner core layer by layer, one day at a time. 

I was invited to spend some time pondering on the things I need to accept in my life right now and at how resistance can lead to a tendency to get stuck and lose sight of what is joyful and life-giving in the present.  The holding on feels safe but it does not allow me to open my hands and my heart to other possibilities, to other gifts. Even worse, holding too tightly onto something stiffens us - physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually. 

The stories they hold  

The challenging part in the sorting process is deciding which to let go of, but the time-consuming bit was spending time listening to the stories each piece held, and the lover of stories that I am just could not let any story go.  

When and how did I buy a piece?  What special memory does it hold?  The Vida Doria trio really got my whole attention. I remember how it was one of the first attempts to wear something that showed a little more flesh and how it was like experimenting externally while I was also discovering a lot of things internally as a newly re-singled woman. Loving how I looked and how wearing the shirt made me feel and affirmed by my closest friends, I made it my mission in the coming weeks to look for other colors of the same style of shirt.  When the right size was not available in the branch where I got the first piece, I went to the other branches and got all the colors available, i.e., except for black which I felt didn't have a place in my inner landscape at the time. 

Seeing with new eyes

Finally mustering the courage to really bring out all my clothes was like entering a familiar yet dark room lit for the first time. I came face to face with my acquisitiveness,impulsiveness,and with my tendency to buy things for the wrong reasons.  How I bought a blouse because I didn't want to disappoint the person selling it.  Or, how I would hoard some items just because they are cheap or are on sale but end up hardly using them.  What really caught me though was how I could have things that I had forgotten even existed, like the two tops of different colors.  It is with shame that I admitted to myself that I didn't just forget about them;  I don't even have a sense of history of these pieces.  Honestly, I didn't know when and how they got into my closet.  Could I have been sleepwalking and talking when I got those? 

One of the gifts of having the inner stamina to face one's life and Self as they are is that one also sees the blessings one already has but fails to recognize because of the emotional clutter and chaos. In the process of braving the chaos and the uncertainty that doing so holds, one discovers how blessed one is.  As one counts one's unfortunate and negative experiences, one's eyes also begin to see the blessings one has.  If only for this, I won't run away from negative feelings and seemingly negative experiences, but I am learning to pay attention with greater conviction on those which are going right and with the good beneath what seems to be ugly and unfortunate.

Recreating the old

My new, breathing cabinet

Self-awareness tells me that I am the kind of person who wants to maintain a certain rhythm, a certain way of doing things to the point of sometimes being too methodical and predictable. I used to have only one brand, style, and color of undies. When I was still doing freelance work interpreting and writing psychological reports, I had to use a certain kind and size of paper and set of ballpens for my initial datagathering. I would follow the same layout for the different aspects, day after day until I finish the entire batch of reports. Sometimes I would go to a retreat house just to keep a tighter hold on my work rhythm.  One religious sister was both disturbed and amused to find me seated in the same area where she found me the day before.  

These are different times though for my inner landscape. I am more at home with changes. Instead of simply returning my clothes to the closet as I had always done, I changed the way I stored my clothes and arranged my cabinet. Instead of having my not-frequently used items, such as cold weather clothes and accessories, washed every six months, I  stored them in large ziplock and compression packing bags so that they don't smell of molds.

Some things remained the same, some things had changed. What I am certain of is that I don't want to have cluttered inner and outer cabinets again. I want a cabinet that has a lot of space for growth, a cabinet that recognizes and celebrates what I have, a cabinet that carries with it only those which truly matter most. 

I was satisfied with what I had accomplished.  It is finished but the work on my outer and inner cabinets, just like the Creator's work on us and the entire universe, is work in progress. Still, after 10 long hours, it probably almost felt like the seventh day when God saw all that She had created and thought it was good and beautiful.