Mindfulness: The Key

Time to discover what lies beyond the door (Bee Throne Hall at the Kanbawzathadi Palace in Bago, Myanmar; 2015)

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

Vippasana and other mindfulness retreats had been on my radar for decades. I was interested but felt 10 days of being disconnected from the outside world was just too much for me. I heard of some Zen meditation retreats but these were either way beyond my budget or didn't synch with my schedule. When the opportunity knocked through a subsidized 5-day mindfulness course, I grabbed the opportunity even if, up to the last minute, I was wavering.  Facilitated by a mindfulness and wellness adviser for humanitarian and development workers, the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course felt like something that could help in my personal journey.  At the back of my mind, I thought, at the very least, the learnings could come in handy in the workshops I facilitate.

Although breath meditation is not new to me, doing this for longer than 15 minutes was a challenge for me. A few times, because of the discomfort in my legs and the pain in my upper back, I would find myself focusing not on my breathing but on the anticipation of the forthcoming ringing of the bell to signal the end of the practice. "Just ring that goddamn chime"was all I could think of during one of the longer practices. For the most part though, the gentle reminder of our facilitator that it is the nature of the mind to think and wander in thoughts helped me to simply stay on and go back to my breathing. To my delight, on day 2, I could actually feel sensations in my coccyx and glute muscles.

Mindfulness practice however isn't linear but is more of a spherical process.  While I was making good progress during the first three days, day 4 was totally challenging that I left the room at the end of the day feeling annoyed and frustrated.  To my surprise, I found myself persevering even outside of the session. I would walk and eat mindfully and did the assigned practice for the evening.  All the effort bore fruit. I felt that my consciousness had opened up. In fact, it felt like a stream of consciousness flowing into a dam of a wider awareness of my inner world.

Particularly striking was an experience during a practice on day 5. Aside from the usual breath awareness, there were two physical movements.  What seemed like two simple movements transformed my mental and emotional states.  From our original sitting positions, we were asked to go to any spot of the room that we liked. From my original position where I felt stuck during the first part of the practice and where everything looked gloomy but for a SpongeBob balloon, I felt drawn to a new spot.  I would find out later that most chose a spot where they would feel comfortable  while I chose one for no particular reason. What struck me though on returning to practice was that I felt a sense of freedom in the new spot.  I could breathe more easily and was able to tune in to my breathing and my body sensations once again. The physical sensations and emotional tone reminded me of rolling hills and garden images associated with my healing images.  A second time, we were asked to move to a third spot - this time to a spot that made us uncomfortable.  This time I chose the back of the door, for I thought the most unsecure and risky place in the room was the back of the door.  I thought it was foolish to be sitting behind the door.  As I was sitting down to return to practice though something struck me.  Door!

The door had been a key symbol in my mid-life journey the past few years. From lighthouses to bridges to doors.  Since last year, my phone's wall paper is a photo of a closed door.  The Spirit seemed to be calling me to something. Is it time to open the door?  Over lunch, while taking a break from my digital retreat to look for a poem I was hoping to share during the afternoon session, I was led to a page I saved earlier that week.  The title of the page?  "Turn the Key and Open the Door," a piece by Celtic writer and philosopher John O'Donohue.

I was ready.  I was given the teacher as well as the key.