Semper Fidelis

Broken but loved (Luntiang Republika Eco Farms in Alfonso, Cavite; 2015)

These days I find praying to be a bit of a struggle.  I show up everyday only to find my monkey mind bringing me all over except to God. It's that love-hate relationship with God again.  I know there's no one I can hang on to during these times of disquiet in the world around and in my own personal life;  there's nothing I can hold on to but God's faithful love.  Yet, another part of me sometimes wonder whether this God who seems so insensitive and indifferent to my plight and to all human suffering around really loves us enough to give a damn.

In prayer this morning, I heard a gentle nudge. "I am with you, holding your hand. I'm seeing you through albeit in ways different from how you want." I am once again reminded that, just because things aren't happening as I want them to doesn't mean that God isn't there. And these days, when I am not drowning in self-pity and self-doubt, I find God personified in a special way through a dear friend, SV.

Our almost daily conversations, whether via voice, video, or text messages, are constant reminders of God's fidelity. Some days we engage in very deep and intense conversations.  Other times we simply exchange updates from each other's life world.  Some days we banter and tease, and others we argue and fight.  Sometimes we don't know what to talk about anymore and spend our time "together" in silence. Except for the few instances when internet and mobile connection aren't available, we show up every single day.  Even when I'm in beast mode, SV would show up.  Even when I am sometimes negativity personified, he shows up. If SV, in his limitedness shows up, why won't God?

At my lowest, unworthiness hits me.  I sometimes feel that I'm not good enough as a Christian and as a person and that I'm probably going to die living a meaningless and wasted life. I'm most difficult during these days because, in my head, I know this is not true and I should know better. Because I can't own the darkness inside, I'd end up focusing on the darkness of others and often those I love dearly become easy targets of my dark, inner vampire.  Although he would withdraw for a while, he normally manages to still regain his bearings and show up.  At my most unlovable moments, he recognises the beauty and goodness beneath my shadows. How can someone love me this much? How can God not love me even more?

Dark days like these make it so easy for me to fall into the trap of doubt, but as always, God finds a way to re-assure me of His faithful love. Semper fidelis, He seems to say.