When Loneliness Pays A Visit

You hold my lonely heart. (Archbishop Mongeau Chapel at Notre Dame University, Cotabato City, 2018)

It comes and goes.

While busy-ness at work, the exploration of new food options, and working to set things up in my room help to quell the unsettling feeling at times, I know that it's just there.  It sits in a corner of my heart and pierces my soul in the most unexpected moments. It came yesterday as I was doing what I call my "muni-muni" (reflection) walk, in contrast to my morning brisk walk. It started as a mere longing for home, for the more familiar, and progressed to tears and sobs. The thing about connections and intimacy is that distance and separation become more painful. "Love anyone and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken," C.S. Lewis wrote.

While it was uncomfortable, I knew that there's no better way to deal with it than to simply let it stay like a guest. I sat with it and let it speak to me.

I miss home. I miss my son. I miss my friends. I miss eating the kind of food I used to cook. I miss having a bigger room to prepare my food and move around. I miss taking a shower without getting the whole toilet wet. I miss taking hot showers.  I miss the life I used to have.

Yet, deep inside, I know I love the person I am becoming.

As I continued walking yesterday, I found myself looking for the lyrics of the second stanza of the song, Unang Alay. I resonated with it at last Sunday's mass and thought it's something that could comfort me. Always grateful for Google and mobile data. Here goes the second stanza:

Lahat ng mga lungkot, ligaya't pagsubok

Lahat ng lakas at kahinaan ko,

Inaalay kong lahat buong pagkatao.

Ito ay isusunod sa 'Yo. 

It felt better to be reminded that all of me - warts and all - are acceptable to God and that even my biggest struggles can be a form of offering.