Adolescent Parenting 101
If the last two weeks were a sneak preview of what my son's adolescent years would be like, I can almost predict that around 7 years from now I must be suffering from bouts of insanity. . . but joyfully so.
To go public or not
It all started with him declaring his desire to study at the Science High (Marcelo H. Del Pilar National High School - Science, Technology & Engineering Program) barely two weeks before the start of classes in the Catholic private school were I enrolled him. He was showing interest in the curriculum, but mainly it was because he would be classmates with one of his close friends from grade school. It was a tough decision to make, something I had to ruminate over for several days and nights. I knew from my freshman year in college what it was like to feel a sense of isolation when one transfers to a new school. Yet, I also struggled with my anxieties about my son being in a public school after spending his first 8 years in a school that was a small community of students, teachers and parents. Hearing feedback from other parents encouraged me though as the curriculum really sounded very good. At the end of the day, the decision to transfer to the Science High prevailed.
It was not only on the internal plane that I had to struggle. Wanting to be democratic about the whole decision-making process, I really tried to listen to my son and encouraged him to think through the pros and cons of the decision. I would realize that while my son seemed to be convinced that the Sci High was what he wanted, he was very concerned about my reactions. He wanted to please me and therefore was very sensitive to my body language. One time he said, "kasi parang kumukunot ang noo mo 'pag naririnig mo yung Marcelo. Parang mas gusto mo yata sa Holy ako."
That was a wake-up call for me. He was very much attuned to my reactions, especially to my negative reactions. It was a gentle reminder that it is better to be truthful and honest than to be an all-knowing parent. It was a good thing that I could allow myself to share with him my own confusion and ambivalence. I think I was teaching him that it's perfectly okay to be confused and ambivalent sometimes and that over things like this, one does not have to wear the I-am-in-control mask. Personally, I think I was being reminded of an important lesson in communication: our actions speak louder than our words. The challenge is to try to achieve awareness and greater consistency.
Having arrived at the decision, I had to let go of my public school monsters. I had to trust that we had both made a good decision and believe that no matter what happens he will come out of this decision-making process and the experience a better person. I just had to trust that God will never bring us where Her loving heart cannot protect us.
Seeing how excited he is about his subjects and all the new things he is learning, I feel affirmed in our decision.
From stage mother to stalker
Being a very involved mother when my son entered preschool, a few of my close friends labeled me as a stage mother. I was present in most school activities, even in those where parents were discouraged from attending. I was evidently on the stubborn side mainly because I wanted to witness special events in my son's school life which to me included events like halloween parties.
Needless to say, my son doesn't only disapprove of this kind of parenting now but also feels ashamed of it. The sensitive mother that I am then had to go easy and constantly check with him what was fine. In the end, I also had to anchor my style on what's developmentally appropriate. Hence, I found myself making a major shift from a stage-mom to a stalker. I know it sounds funny, perhaps even shameful, but on the first day of school, after he entered the school gate up to which point he allowed me to accompany him, I sneaked in to look around and check if he found the room assigned to his class. I tried not to be seen but he saw me and we were both glad that I was there as there was pandemonium in the school building as students tried to figure out their assigned rooms which were temporarily moved to another building that day.
15 minutes before dismissal, I was already waiting at the stairs of the building instead of the school gate where we had agreed to meet. When he started commuting to and from school by himself on the second day, I found myself allowing him to bring his mobile phone if only for me to monitor his arrival in school and at home. I know, I know, this is absolutely OA but it helped me to maintain my sanity the whole day.
I say with pride now that he has managed to commute these last two weeks without missing his jeepney stop. When I look at him these days, I see a teenager who seems to have grown up so fast these last few weeks. Sometimes I ask myself, "could he have grown this responsible and wise in the ways of the world had I not allowed him to transfer to a public school and take public transport by himself?" Perhaps not. Or, I wouldn't have known.
This is really a lesson in learning to trust - that my son has the inner resources to manage these things, that this is still a kind and safe world despite the chaos, and that he is under God's loving care at all times.
And then more. . .
Just when I thought we had finally arrived at an equilibrium with him establishing his daily routine (which included answering my phone call at around 3:30 as I checked on him from work), he one day went home a little later than usual. Over dinner, he said it took a while to get a ride as it was raining. I honestly would have let it go.
Later that night though, as I was browsing through the news feeds in Facebook, I found a picture of two of his grade school classmates - one still enrolled in the same school and the other in the same STEP program in Marcelo. Curiously, I asked him, why the two were together. And I was dumbfounded with his response. "Iyon nga ang sasabihin ko sa iyo, nanay. Nagpunta kami ng mga classmates ko sa school (their grade school) para dumalaw."
After all the interrogation about why he didn't ask my permission and why he didn't say it right away and with whom he went there and how they did and how he got home, I could only take comfort in the thought that he at least had enough sense not to stay too long and to join his cousin's ride home and to tell me the truth after initially hesitating. Of course we had to talk of the possible consequences of what he did and I had to make him promise me that he would inform me or his lola next time.
It made me wonder though how far he would go with such sneaking out in the future. The experience also reminded me of how important it is to strike a healthy balance between holding on and letting go. Had I said yes the days before when he brought up the idea of him joining his schoolmates in this visit to their former school, would he have informed me earlier and would he not have hesitated about telling me if he hadn't? It made me ask myself too how strict I should be and how I could send a message of firmness rather than strictness.
I know there are no hard and fast rules that will answer my questions. I know too that perhaps the answers will not unfold yet but may be made apparent only as we go along. I just need to trust that, like myself, my son will know how far he can break certain rules. Isn't it that it is through these little violations that we, as adolescents, learned how to set boundaries and developed our internal locus of control?
We certainly are both being taught many lessons in earth school at this time in our life journey.
(I can only hope my son does not get to read this entry. And if he does, may he hold himself responsible for his actions at all times.)
To go public or not
It all started with him declaring his desire to study at the Science High (Marcelo H. Del Pilar National High School - Science, Technology & Engineering Program) barely two weeks before the start of classes in the Catholic private school were I enrolled him. He was showing interest in the curriculum, but mainly it was because he would be classmates with one of his close friends from grade school. It was a tough decision to make, something I had to ruminate over for several days and nights. I knew from my freshman year in college what it was like to feel a sense of isolation when one transfers to a new school. Yet, I also struggled with my anxieties about my son being in a public school after spending his first 8 years in a school that was a small community of students, teachers and parents. Hearing feedback from other parents encouraged me though as the curriculum really sounded very good. At the end of the day, the decision to transfer to the Science High prevailed.
It was not only on the internal plane that I had to struggle. Wanting to be democratic about the whole decision-making process, I really tried to listen to my son and encouraged him to think through the pros and cons of the decision. I would realize that while my son seemed to be convinced that the Sci High was what he wanted, he was very concerned about my reactions. He wanted to please me and therefore was very sensitive to my body language. One time he said, "kasi parang kumukunot ang noo mo 'pag naririnig mo yung Marcelo. Parang mas gusto mo yata sa Holy ako."
That was a wake-up call for me. He was very much attuned to my reactions, especially to my negative reactions. It was a gentle reminder that it is better to be truthful and honest than to be an all-knowing parent. It was a good thing that I could allow myself to share with him my own confusion and ambivalence. I think I was teaching him that it's perfectly okay to be confused and ambivalent sometimes and that over things like this, one does not have to wear the I-am-in-control mask. Personally, I think I was being reminded of an important lesson in communication: our actions speak louder than our words. The challenge is to try to achieve awareness and greater consistency.
Having arrived at the decision, I had to let go of my public school monsters. I had to trust that we had both made a good decision and believe that no matter what happens he will come out of this decision-making process and the experience a better person. I just had to trust that God will never bring us where Her loving heart cannot protect us.
Seeing how excited he is about his subjects and all the new things he is learning, I feel affirmed in our decision.
From stage mother to stalker
Being a very involved mother when my son entered preschool, a few of my close friends labeled me as a stage mother. I was present in most school activities, even in those where parents were discouraged from attending. I was evidently on the stubborn side mainly because I wanted to witness special events in my son's school life which to me included events like halloween parties.
Needless to say, my son doesn't only disapprove of this kind of parenting now but also feels ashamed of it. The sensitive mother that I am then had to go easy and constantly check with him what was fine. In the end, I also had to anchor my style on what's developmentally appropriate. Hence, I found myself making a major shift from a stage-mom to a stalker. I know it sounds funny, perhaps even shameful, but on the first day of school, after he entered the school gate up to which point he allowed me to accompany him, I sneaked in to look around and check if he found the room assigned to his class. I tried not to be seen but he saw me and we were both glad that I was there as there was pandemonium in the school building as students tried to figure out their assigned rooms which were temporarily moved to another building that day.
15 minutes before dismissal, I was already waiting at the stairs of the building instead of the school gate where we had agreed to meet. When he started commuting to and from school by himself on the second day, I found myself allowing him to bring his mobile phone if only for me to monitor his arrival in school and at home. I know, I know, this is absolutely OA but it helped me to maintain my sanity the whole day.
I say with pride now that he has managed to commute these last two weeks without missing his jeepney stop. When I look at him these days, I see a teenager who seems to have grown up so fast these last few weeks. Sometimes I ask myself, "could he have grown this responsible and wise in the ways of the world had I not allowed him to transfer to a public school and take public transport by himself?" Perhaps not. Or, I wouldn't have known.
This is really a lesson in learning to trust - that my son has the inner resources to manage these things, that this is still a kind and safe world despite the chaos, and that he is under God's loving care at all times.
And then more. . .
Just when I thought we had finally arrived at an equilibrium with him establishing his daily routine (which included answering my phone call at around 3:30 as I checked on him from work), he one day went home a little later than usual. Over dinner, he said it took a while to get a ride as it was raining. I honestly would have let it go.
Later that night though, as I was browsing through the news feeds in Facebook, I found a picture of two of his grade school classmates - one still enrolled in the same school and the other in the same STEP program in Marcelo. Curiously, I asked him, why the two were together. And I was dumbfounded with his response. "Iyon nga ang sasabihin ko sa iyo, nanay. Nagpunta kami ng mga classmates ko sa school (their grade school) para dumalaw."
After all the interrogation about why he didn't ask my permission and why he didn't say it right away and with whom he went there and how they did and how he got home, I could only take comfort in the thought that he at least had enough sense not to stay too long and to join his cousin's ride home and to tell me the truth after initially hesitating. Of course we had to talk of the possible consequences of what he did and I had to make him promise me that he would inform me or his lola next time.
It made me wonder though how far he would go with such sneaking out in the future. The experience also reminded me of how important it is to strike a healthy balance between holding on and letting go. Had I said yes the days before when he brought up the idea of him joining his schoolmates in this visit to their former school, would he have informed me earlier and would he not have hesitated about telling me if he hadn't? It made me ask myself too how strict I should be and how I could send a message of firmness rather than strictness.
I know there are no hard and fast rules that will answer my questions. I know too that perhaps the answers will not unfold yet but may be made apparent only as we go along. I just need to trust that, like myself, my son will know how far he can break certain rules. Isn't it that it is through these little violations that we, as adolescents, learned how to set boundaries and developed our internal locus of control?
We certainly are both being taught many lessons in earth school at this time in our life journey.
(I can only hope my son does not get to read this entry. And if he does, may he hold himself responsible for his actions at all times.)
Comments
Post a Comment