From Performance Appraisal to Self-Reflection
I must confess that until Good Friday, I continued to do some office work. Thursday was dedicated for finishing all the performance appraisal reviews that had been hanging over my head for weeks and were all due by midnight of Good Friday. Due to the unplanned Visita Iglesia on Thursday night, one last review spilled over through Friday. Thankfully, it was mine, a self-appraisal.
Somehow, working on my self-appraisal set the mood for a more reflective day. It was like a spiritual exercise of sorts, looking at how I had been as a member of my organization during the past fiscal year. It was an opportunity to celebrate the growth and the positive developments, to face my limitations and growth edges and see how I could do things better in the future, and to recognize the challenges ahead and see what opportunities these challenges bring.
A few things struck me as I was doing the exercise and reflecting on what came out of it. (I must say that a few times I actually cried and several times I felt a lump in my throat wanting to break free. I didn't realize doing performance appraisal reviews can be this emotional.)
Tooting my horn. This is a concept I learned only in this organization, and honestly, it isn't just the idea of it I had acquired over the last two years but the very act of horn tooting. Telling people what good I accomplished just isn't the way I do things. I'm too much of an introvert for such telling-the-world. I would much rather see the fruits of what I had done and see these making a difference in my work, in the lives of people I work with, and in the workplace itself and have others recognize it. If others recognize it and affirm me for it, that's a bonus. I learned though that sometimes, I need to let others know of my accomplishments or of my efforts even if the impact is seemingly minimal. It is a way of recognizing my worth and my contribution. After all who knows better of the hard work, of sacrifices made, and of every single tear shed in order to do what needs to be done than me.
Being a relationship person. I may approach certain aspects of my work as a TOB (task- oriented bitch) but at the core and in general, I am really a relationship person. I thrive best when I work with people I relate well with as well. Is this approach boon or bane in the workplace? I think the answer is that it's not one or the other but both. It is boon in the sense that establishing good relationship with people at work can make even the most daunting tasks more fun if not lighter. It is certainly more fun to work with people I am comfortable with enough to also banter with. It is a joy to work with people with whom my relationship has moved from functional to more personal. We eventually build relationships that are no longer based on work alone but on a deeper sharing of selves. These are relationships that continue to grow long after we leave the organization. However, being a relationship-oriented person has its bane side as well. Sometimes, it is people with whom I am closer that I have difficulty giving feedback to. There are instances when feedback, no matter how constructive, are taken negatively and by people for whom we sincerely mean well. Simple feedback giving can lead to minor irritations that sometimes build up and lead to deep wounds. The bigger challenge in such instances is to transcend the wound. No, I won't ignore and bury the wound. I will face it, allow my heart to bleed as much as it wants, but no, I won't let it get in the way of what needs to be done. The cost is on the Self. Still, I can't see myself being purely functional in the way I relate with people. Somehow, this has borne very good fruits. What a joy it is to get people to do difficult volunteer work. What a gentle brush to the ego it is to hear people say one's presence made a difference in their journey. What an affirmation it is to hear a sincere feedback that this one staff has depth and substance.
Valuing integrity. Work is work and it should always be separate from one's personal life. Some people see work this way; I don't. My work is and will always be a reflection of who I am. It is an expression of my gifts as well as of my vocation, which Frederick Buechner describes succintly as "the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." It also matters a lot to me that I belong to an organization that mirrors the values that I hold dear. And so, I continue to discern how much of my values continue to be mirrored in this organization. I guess, as always, all these factors will determine whether I stay or leave. After all, as my beloved Professor Dumbledore reminded Harry, "it is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." There is no clearcut answer for me right now but now that I heard that "ting!" and that "call" that beckons me to "something more," I guess, there's no turning back. The uncertainty doubtlessly creates fear and anxiety, but I've been through a road like this many times before, and two things had always seen me through: (1) trusting my Self and my inner resources to make it through the journey and (2) holding on to the faithful love of a God who only wants what's best for me, even if this best is not what I had imagined, knowing that what God desires for me is always better than what I could ever imagine.
I find myself turning to "Your Heart Today," written by Manoling Francisco, SJ for Cory and Ninoy Aquino, I think when the latter was in prison. This song/prayer captures the essence of my life call - the pivotal point in my discernment process.
Lord, grant me courage
Lord, grant me strength
Grant me compassion
That I may be Your heart today
Where there is hate I can confront
Where there are yokes I can release
Where there are captives I can free
And anger I can appease
Lord, grant me courage
Lord, grant me strength
Grant me compassion
That I may be Your heart today
When comes the day I dread
To see our broken world
Compel me from my cell grown cold
That Your people I may behold
Where there is fear I can allay
Where there is pain I can heal
Where there are wounds I can bind
And hunger I can fill
Somehow, working on my self-appraisal set the mood for a more reflective day. It was like a spiritual exercise of sorts, looking at how I had been as a member of my organization during the past fiscal year. It was an opportunity to celebrate the growth and the positive developments, to face my limitations and growth edges and see how I could do things better in the future, and to recognize the challenges ahead and see what opportunities these challenges bring.
A few things struck me as I was doing the exercise and reflecting on what came out of it. (I must say that a few times I actually cried and several times I felt a lump in my throat wanting to break free. I didn't realize doing performance appraisal reviews can be this emotional.)
Tooting my horn. This is a concept I learned only in this organization, and honestly, it isn't just the idea of it I had acquired over the last two years but the very act of horn tooting. Telling people what good I accomplished just isn't the way I do things. I'm too much of an introvert for such telling-the-world. I would much rather see the fruits of what I had done and see these making a difference in my work, in the lives of people I work with, and in the workplace itself and have others recognize it. If others recognize it and affirm me for it, that's a bonus. I learned though that sometimes, I need to let others know of my accomplishments or of my efforts even if the impact is seemingly minimal. It is a way of recognizing my worth and my contribution. After all who knows better of the hard work, of sacrifices made, and of every single tear shed in order to do what needs to be done than me.
Being a relationship person. I may approach certain aspects of my work as a TOB (task- oriented bitch) but at the core and in general, I am really a relationship person. I thrive best when I work with people I relate well with as well. Is this approach boon or bane in the workplace? I think the answer is that it's not one or the other but both. It is boon in the sense that establishing good relationship with people at work can make even the most daunting tasks more fun if not lighter. It is certainly more fun to work with people I am comfortable with enough to also banter with. It is a joy to work with people with whom my relationship has moved from functional to more personal. We eventually build relationships that are no longer based on work alone but on a deeper sharing of selves. These are relationships that continue to grow long after we leave the organization. However, being a relationship-oriented person has its bane side as well. Sometimes, it is people with whom I am closer that I have difficulty giving feedback to. There are instances when feedback, no matter how constructive, are taken negatively and by people for whom we sincerely mean well. Simple feedback giving can lead to minor irritations that sometimes build up and lead to deep wounds. The bigger challenge in such instances is to transcend the wound. No, I won't ignore and bury the wound. I will face it, allow my heart to bleed as much as it wants, but no, I won't let it get in the way of what needs to be done. The cost is on the Self. Still, I can't see myself being purely functional in the way I relate with people. Somehow, this has borne very good fruits. What a joy it is to get people to do difficult volunteer work. What a gentle brush to the ego it is to hear people say one's presence made a difference in their journey. What an affirmation it is to hear a sincere feedback that this one staff has depth and substance.
Valuing integrity. Work is work and it should always be separate from one's personal life. Some people see work this way; I don't. My work is and will always be a reflection of who I am. It is an expression of my gifts as well as of my vocation, which Frederick Buechner describes succintly as "the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." It also matters a lot to me that I belong to an organization that mirrors the values that I hold dear. And so, I continue to discern how much of my values continue to be mirrored in this organization. I guess, as always, all these factors will determine whether I stay or leave. After all, as my beloved Professor Dumbledore reminded Harry, "it is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." There is no clearcut answer for me right now but now that I heard that "ting!" and that "call" that beckons me to "something more," I guess, there's no turning back. The uncertainty doubtlessly creates fear and anxiety, but I've been through a road like this many times before, and two things had always seen me through: (1) trusting my Self and my inner resources to make it through the journey and (2) holding on to the faithful love of a God who only wants what's best for me, even if this best is not what I had imagined, knowing that what God desires for me is always better than what I could ever imagine.
I find myself turning to "Your Heart Today," written by Manoling Francisco, SJ for Cory and Ninoy Aquino, I think when the latter was in prison. This song/prayer captures the essence of my life call - the pivotal point in my discernment process.
Where there is fear I can allay
Where there is pain I can heal
Where there are wounds I can bind
And hunger I can fill
Where there is pain I can heal
Where there are wounds I can bind
And hunger I can fill
Lord, grant me courage
Lord, grant me strength
Grant me compassion
That I may be Your heart today
Where there is hate I can confront
Where there are yokes I can release
Where there are captives I can free
And anger I can appease
Lord, grant me courage
Lord, grant me strength
Grant me compassion
That I may be Your heart today
When comes the day I dread
To see our broken world
Compel me from my cell grown cold
That Your people I may behold
Where there is fear I can allay
Where there is pain I can heal
Where there are wounds I can bind
And hunger I can fill
Lord, grant me courage
Lord, grant me strength
Grant me compassion
That I may be Your heart today
And when I've done all that I could
Yet there are hearts I cannot move
Lord, give me hope
That I may be Your heart today
Lord, grant me strength
Grant me compassion
That I may be Your heart today
And when I've done all that I could
Yet there are hearts I cannot move
Lord, give me hope
That I may be Your heart today
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