Breakfast with my Shadows

My ideal breakfast nook (Villa Luisa Retreat House in Tagaytay City; 2017)

With my son back to an early morning class schedule this semester, I find myself returning to my practice of eating quiet breakfasts in solitude.  For the last three days, I had been feasting on a couple cups of my own version of chai latte (dairy free and refined sugar free and made from scratch using organic black tea and spices), something that keeps me full for at least three hours. As I savor my tea, I read the daily reading from the Ignatian Book of Days and/or write on my journal. Depending on what my heart calls for, I listen to classical music, religious songs, or instrumental pieces.  It didn't occur to me how much I've missed this ritual until I started doing it again.

The experience has been helping me to quiet down and dig deeper into the stillness that lies underneath my chaotic heart. As I sip my tea, I slow down and allow myself to be fully present in the moment. I pay no attention to other concerns, at least for a brief while. I tell myself this is "me time" and I just allow myself to flow where the Spirit leads me.

Today, I was a little disturbed at the barrage of negative thoughts and emotions that surfaced as I was writing on my journal. Standing before me were my shadows, long and pronounced. I found the experience quite unsettling. How could these shadows surface when I was trying to be more at peace internally.  Couldn't they just leave me alone? The answer came like a thud:  "We couldn't and we aren't leaving you alone.  Don't panic.  We are your shadows, emphasis on the word YOUR." I didn't have much choice but to listen.

I was reminded of one of the most important lessons from Jungian Analytical Psychology:  "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions." Put simply, the darkness we don't know (or don't want to know) about ourselves has greater power over us.

From a deep corner of my heart, I heard a small but knowing voice, asking me to allow the shadows to  simply be and listen to what they had to say. It wasn't easy but it helped to be reminded that there were shadows because there was light. It's precisely because my consciousness was opened that the shadows were present and visible. I was being challenged to allow my panicky self to step aside so that it wouldn't obstruct the light so. Only then can the light within shine more brightly and allow a better version of myself to come to the fore.

As I ended today's breakfast ritual, I made a conscious decision to take the time to listen once more to these shadows that I thought I had long befriended and tamed. While doing the dishes, I talked to envy. While washing the vegetables, I listened to self-reproach. And then I turned to God. While extracting coconut cream with the juicer, I spoke to God about my heartaches, about my disappointment with the way He has been sending messages that would leave me confused and lost. And as I turned to the sweet milk in front of me, I found myself seeking God's grace to bear this difficult process that I am going through and to continue to hope that in due time I will have a taste of my own sweetness.